Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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