I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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