so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
