Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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