Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
