Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
