my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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