How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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