Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The best revenge is premature balding
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm having to shit out rocks
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