If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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