He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
