just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
