someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
