So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
