I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
