do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
