After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
