True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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