hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
