took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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