I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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