I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
