Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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