He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
