he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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