This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
