My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
