3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
