I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
