Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
