cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
