3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
