You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
