Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
