I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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