well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
the liver wants what the liver wants
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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