I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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