apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
