I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
