Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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