i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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