I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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