I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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