i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
