Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
