I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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