I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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