She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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