Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
