On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
